Best of 2015 Pick 10: Ultramantis Black

Ultramantis Black: Ultramantis Black (Relapse, 2014)

Imagine 5 Iraqi former torture victims and Donald Trump break into the Bush family summer barbecue in Maine. Security is breached when one of the Iraqis takes two handfuls of napalm, rubs it all over Trump’s toupe, sets it on fire and sends him towards the grill. The five Iraqis use that distraction to breach security and approach the Bush family dinner table where one of them takes off old man Bush’s custom cute socks and starts to strangle war criminal Bush with it.

That’s what this record sounds like. Total fucking mayhem, lurching around, violently unpredictable and pissed to no end.

Like the Iraqi who finally gets the sock all the way around the Shrub’s neck and squeezes the life out of him, while Ol’ Lady Bush/BattleAx Supreme shits her old lady undies and shrieks at the destruction of her vile clan. Meanwhile the Donald has started doing the Nasty with Laura Bush and she’s loving doin’ the Donald, especially the heat coming off his fiery Napalm Toupe. She is intercours-ing with him like some sort of depraved animal, shrieking in ecstasy as the Donald spins like a top and then collapses on the lawn, spent and babbling and burnt like a wiener left on the grill too long.

All the while Jeb Bush, yes Jeb! the Presidential candidate sits in a lawn chair at masturbates leering at the Iraqis with a homosexual lust that defies the English language. One of the Iraqis throws a shoe at Jeb! and then proceeds to cut his head off with a rusty tree branch saw. All the other Iraqis laugh as he struggles to separate Jeb!’s head from his torso and the American public breathes a sigh of relief knowing that masturbating idiot will never be President.

9 tunes in 13 minutes. Complete anti-social blend of hardcore and metal. With song titles like Oil and Gas, Stockpiling Graves, and Earth War I think I’m right on with my description.


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